God Sees Our Tears.

Since the death of my husband, life continues to bring to me a series of “little deaths.”  Daily chores will unexpectedly bring to mind the memory of what our lives were like...When I cook breakfast, I will remember how he liked his eggs scrambled, how much butter to put between his biscuit, and what kind of jam he liked best. 

With the loss of a spouse we lose our identity, our security, our perceptions, our dreams, our relationships, indeed, the whole of our lives changes and we are forced to let go of what we cannot keep.  Our life falls apart and we are not sure how to go on with what fragments we have left. Therefore, we end up with emotional crutches which help give some sense of stability as we wander through the debris left by life’s storms.  For a while, we desperately need something to support the extra burdens we are carrying. The fears and shock of being alone, and the one to make the decisions that must be made wisely and speedily. We quickly become burdened down by heaviness of heart and even by the feeling of not wanting to go on.

 However, I tell myself at some point I must toss the emotional crutches aside. I have to pick up the pieces and as I am often reminded by others, “Life goes on."  I must let Curtis go one small step at a time; and with these tiny steps, I am reaching out to touch whatever piece of new life I can feel. But how can I ever let him go…How do I give up the life we shared? It is a part of who I became as a person and it grieves me to know that he is no longer in my present and will not be in my future. 

Just moments before my husband’s funeral, my sweet little friend Debbie M. came to me with a hug and a small bottle. Attached to this bottle were these words: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

What a precious act of compassion and thoughtfulness that was for me. Yes, God knew I was hurting. He cared for me so much that He was collecting every tear that was falling and keeping them in a bottle. He sees our tears and He understands when we are in pain. If God cares so much that He will keep our tears, just think of how much more He will care for us in all our needs.

 Letting go of Curtis is very hard because I need him for my life to make sense– I need more than the memory of him although I am thankful for my memories.  I need the identity of being his wife, not his widow. I need to be Mrs. Curtis King until I can sign my name Mary King without shedding tears.  I need to talk about him and the life we shared together.  I need to hold on to him while I wrestled with the issues of faith and trust.  Most of all I need to hold on to him until I lose all fear of what is lurking in the shadows of darkness. Letting him go is not a choice I want to make. It is a choice I must make.  Unfortunately, at some point I will have to let go, but how in the world do I do that?

I am totally convinced that mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have... The deep volume of tears we weep for the loss of a loved one and continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human characteristics. That is the way I see it.

Walk with God.

Mary Frances King

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:13 (KJV)