God, When Will I Laugh Again?

There is a Christian tradition that refers to the "Sacred Heart of God," as being an infinite fountain of healing for all human suffering. It is a place of compassion where quietness can enter into the life of a person who is seeking peace.

In the midst of all my pain over the death of my spouse it is difficult for me to believe that I will see another happy moment.  The world looks bleak, dark, and cold, and my heart hurts with a never-ending pain.

All I want is to heal. But how do I even start to heal? God, when will this sadness go away? When will I be able to laugh again?

For the first few days after my husband died, I was in a state of numbness and disbelief, staggering through an emotional stupor of overflowing sorrow, fear, and confusion. I felt only partially alive.  Then slowly day-by-day, I am beginning to come back and face reality. Some of the pictures are not very pretty. I am alone. Yes, I have other family members who love me and I love them, but I am alone to face whatever may come flashing by me. The ugly and the bad are all mine to deal with. However, it could have been much worse. Things could have quickly turned into a nightmare had my husband not made sure things were taken care of in a rightful order.

I don't know how long this grief will last but I think it will be with me as long as I allow it to stay; and that may be for a very long time because I will continue to keep him living in my heart. He is still very much a part of me. I find myself going to ask him something and suddenly realize he is gone...Then the tears start to fall again. I did not realize just how many times in a day we can think of someone. Where do I go from here? How do I start over? How do I face tomorrow?

I do not understand many things about life and death, but I trust in God, and I know there is a  resting place when the end of our journey is reached. I know that one day I will find a source of peace when I am coming out of this dark valley. Healing will come. However, I will never find complete happiness again for a part of my heart is gone, and it will never return....

Wipe Away Those Tears

Weep not for me cause I am gone, I took my heavenly flight,

I know your pain will linger on into the lonely night.

Remember, my dear, do not fear and wipe away those tears,

 With our love we truly were blessed for twenty-seven years.

Remember not my long strife with all the suffering and pain,

Instead, rejoice with me for I am no longer lame.

Look around and you will see I really am not gone,

I went ahead to plan for you a surprise when you get home....

God, when will I laugh again? It will be a long time the way I see it.

Walk in faith;

Mary Frances King~