My First Week Without You...Part two

April 22, 2012: The first day after the funeral…

Sunday morning…Day four.

God is faithful~ It is Sunday morning and for the first time since my husband died, I am alone….I went into his room with my coffee and sat in his chair. It was so quiet and peaceful. I sat there for a few minutes taking in the scent of his cologne until suddenly, it hit me…tears started slowly at first and then built almost to a raging scream. Waves and waves of grief took over…I cried until there were no more tears and no energy left to wipe them away. What will I do without him? The whole day was one of constant tears. I cried until I was so tired and weak I could hardly get out of my chair….Oh, Lord, please tell my darling I miss him. Tell him I love him--- and would you please pick a red rose to give him and tell him it is from me…

There was never a day I did not enjoy my life with Curtis. Our good days and  our bad days were all a part of our journey through life. My heart holds special memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.  

One of my fondest memories of Curtis and I together was when we were vacationing in Florida. We were sitting on the beach watching the sun fall behind the vast ocean of water…What a brilliant sunset it was…”How can anyone watch a Florida sunset and doubt there is a God,” he said.

Our darkest times were when he lost his leg to a blood clot. The many hours we spent in the hospital, as one day melted into another and there were times I felt it was more than I could endure. However, God gave me the strength to keep going. Curtis was in the hospital for a little more than three months and I never left his side except for short trips home to check on the house and wash my clothes, then hurry back to the hospital.

 I watched as he suffered night and day. The human side of me would come out and I often cried out to God, “God, where are You? Why do you let him suffer so much?  Please, will you give him a little relief.”

We finally got through those days and went home to a busy schedule of doctor’s visits, more and shorter hospital stays, and still much pain. I sat at his bedside many nights and only caught catnaps throughout the midnight hours because his pain was so intense... I can still hear his cries from the pain. How lonesome are the night sounds when someone is ill and you are all alone.

After a while, the pain calmed down and we would have a few good months of a normal life.  Then, bang! Something would happen and then another round of hospital stays, and more days of pain and suffering…

The wonderful thing about my sweet little husband was no matter how much pain he was in he always found a time to give me a smile and tell me how much he loved me, and how thankful he was for me…Never let it be said that my husband did not love me…He did! Moreover, I loved him more than life itself. He never wanted me to leave him and I only left when it was absolutely necessary…I gave up everything to care for my husband. As he became more and more ill, he leaned closer to me.

Now my darling, here I am four days into your departure and I have no answer as to what will I do without you? And my tears are still coming…

Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and He shall say, Here I am…Isaiah 58:9

April 23, 2012…day five

Monday.

A twinge of guild set in today…I found myself asking this question,"Why didn’t I love you more?" 

Why didn’t I spend more time with him…instead of mowing that stupid lawn all the time why didn’t I spend the time with him and hire someone to do the lawn. Instead of watching Television at night, I should have been close to him. Instead of cleaning the house, I should have sat with him and talked…The house is still here, and he is gone…Things could have waited for another time. I should have been near him. 

I wonder!!! Was my attitude always on the positive side? I doubt it. I am sure there were times I could have spoken to him with more understanding. If I could only tell him how sorry I am…

As days wore on into weeks and then months, I became very tired and I showed it. I know that probably made him feel guilty because he was almost totally dependent on me for his care. Often he would apologize to me for being a burden,  and no matter how hard I tried to tell him he was not a burden but a blessing,  he still felt guilty...I am so sorry. If I could only tell you I would do it all over again -- a thousand times over -- No, ten thousand times over…The weaker he became, the more I treasured his love for me.

Oh my dear husband, if only I could tell you one more time, “I love you.”

How do I face life? How do I hold off the raging wolves that come to my door? How do I handle those who found fault with how I cared for him? More importantly, what do I do without you?

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

April 23, 2012…day six

Tuesday.

Today, I went shopping for groceries. I could not do it! I found myself laying things in the cart that only you could eat. Your cookies, cakes, ice cream; and those chocolate candy bars you just had to have to survive. Being diabetic these items were never on my grocery list for me…They were for you... So, I found myself constantly backtracking to return the items I picked up from habit.

I stood in the middle of the aisle and asked God, “God, what do I do? I cannot even buy groceries. Where do I go from here and please God, tell me what to do.”

Just at that moment, a dear friend came up to me. She told me how sorry she was to hear of my husband’s passing and we exchanged small talk for a while. Then she said some very encouraging words to me; I had been feeling down because seeds of doubt had been sown and I was made to wonder if I truly had done enough for my husband... What she had to say eased my heart, and I will never forget her.  She said, “You know, a lot of people have watched you with your husband and you  my dear lady have inspired a lot of people. I can only hope if I ever have to face the same circumstances as you were that I can be half the care tender as you were with Curtis...I just don't know how you did it,"

I finally left the store without any food. While I was driving across the bypass coming home, the tears were flowing and I could hardly see how to drive. Suddenly, as surely as I am breathing, I heard my husband’s voice in my ear…”Now, Mary, you are gonna’ have to stop that crying. I am still here with you in memory and I am only a heartbeat away.”  

I wish I could tell you hearing that made everything okay for me and I was all happy and pain free, but I am not. I still hurt. I still cry, and I still wonder every minute of my day--- What I am going to do without him.

And behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.

Genesis 28:15

April 24, 2012….One week ago.

Wednesday   

It started out like a normal day. I got someone in to take care of my mother and Curtis while I took care of some business. For the better part of the day I was gone away from home…How I regret that. How I wish I had used that day telling him how much I loved him and how much happiness he had given me. I know that we are not supposed to know the day or the hour someone leaves this world, but how we grieve over things when someone we love is gone. How we wish we could have one more chance to tell them we love them. No matter how well we treated them there is still a feeling of things left unsaid, and things left undone. We all have that human nature. We often take our loved ones for granted. We know they are going to leave us, or us them, and we are never prepared for when it happens. One piece of advice I can give you is to be sure you go to bed with love in your heart…Never go to sleep with hard feelings for your loved ones. No matter what happened during the day, let your last words of the day be, “I love you.” You may never have the chance to tell them again.  

The evening came and it was time for me to prepare supper. His last meal was a simple one…He only asked for a small bowl of Cream of Chicken soup, two crackers, and an ice cream sandwich.

After he ate, I helped him to bed and sat with him for a while and we talked, just as we did every night…I kissed him goodnight and he said, “I love you, wife.”  

   “Goodnight husband, I’ll see you in the morning.” I answered…

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;

For thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil;

my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever…Amen

Psalm 23~