My First Week Without YOU....


My First Week without You…

On the hardest day of my life God was there, saying, “Mary, you are my child, and I love you, I hear your cries, I feel your pain, and I will be your refuge.  I am the solid rock you can stand on. I will be the strong tower against all the storms you are, and will continue to face. Walk with me and take shelter under My wings; for it is there that sticks cannot touch you ---words cannot hurt you, and you will be safe in the arms of Your Lord.”
 
April 18, 2012:

This is the day my husband went home.
In the very early hours, I was awakened at the sound of my husband’s voice. I hurried to his bedside and found him grasping for air.  He tried to speak to me, but I could not understand what he was saying…I ran to get a washcloth to wash his face. While I was caring for him with his face cradled in my hands, he slumped over and was gone. I called 911, but I knew my darling husband had already said good-bye to me, and this world.
Plans had to be made. Family had to be consoled. Life had to go on. Oh, my heart is breaking and I am in a state of disbelief. He cannot be gone! He is only in the hospital for a few days; he will be home soon…He is not dead! That was only a bad dream.

Thank God, for family and friends who stood in the gap for me.  There was always someone near to hold me up when I stumbled. Friends came with words of encouragement, and their encouragement is appreciated, but how do I go on without him? Where do I turn, and what do I do next?
“He is no longer suffering,” they told me. Yes, I know that, but what will I do without him?
“He is in a much better place,” they informed me. Yes, I know that, but what will I do without him?  “He has fought a long battle and it is his time to rest,” they reminded me. Yes, I know that; but what will I do without him?

I know he didn’t want to leave me because just a few short hours before he departed he told me, “Honey, I feel like time is running out for me and I know I am going home soon. I don’t want you to worry and I want you to go on with your life. I want you to enjoy the remainder of your life because you deserve a rest, but remember, I will be waiting for you to join me when it is God’s time for you to come.”
When he spoke those words little did I know how soon he would leave me.  I remember saying to him, “Oh Curtis, you are getting better and you are going to be with me for a long time yet…”

Curtis knew that God had other plans, but I refused to face it. I was not ready for him to go. Twenty-seven years was just not long enough to spend with him. I selfishly wanted more time…
Philippians 1: 23-24…For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: Nevertheless, to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

April 19, 2012: Planning a funeral.

Many people have come to our house, bringing food, sharing tears, giving hugs, and encouraging the family… Still, I am trying to find the answer; what will I do without him?
Arrangements must be completed. We met with the Funeral Director, and this wonderful person, with loving compassion, led us through a difficult time. She informed us that my husband had already made most of his own decisions years ago so that his family would be spared having to do this difficult task. There again is the kind of husband I had, always thinking of his loved ones first. It was always his desire to take care of those he loved.

As I drove home, I cried out to God, “Please, Lord, tell me, what I am going to do without him?”

Oh Lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee: Let my prayers come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry; For my soul is full of troubles; and my life draweth nigh unto the grave…
 Psalm 88: 1-3

April 20, 2012: The night of the visitation.

They came. The line was long and I am aware of just how well people thought of my husband.   Those he had worked with for many years, those he had known throughout his lifetime, and those who knew him for only a short time came to pay their last respects. They shared with me stories about him, told me how much they had grown to respect him, and gave me words of encouragement. Family members shared a favorite memory they had of him. Through it all I am thinking, “Father, what will I do without him.”
How will I ever get any stability back into my life? I will fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, He who for the joy set before him endured the cross. He will be the stabilizing factor no matter what goes on in my life. He will lead me through the painful days ahead…

April 21, 2012: The Funeral.

Today is my final day with Curtis. I will take the last earthly journey with him, from the church to the grave. Lord, without your strength to hold me I will fall.
Get the Heavenly choir ready, Father… One of your children is coming home.
I could almost see him as he entered Heaven’s gate…One thing for sure, Curtis did not enter Heaven riding a wheelchair. I believe with all my heart he ran into the waiting arms of Jesus. The leg he lost eight years ago has been restored, his ears are working and he is no longer deaf…He is running around Heaven greeting everyone he knows in a new glorified body…I wonder how many fish stories he has shared with some of his ole’ fishing buddies that are already there? How many times has he run to his mother and given her a greeting kiss and told his dad how much he has missed him; or has it taken him this length of time to thank Jesus for all He did for him…
Many things about the day I don’t remember. The service was beautiful and I was supported by a very loving family, but the selfish part of me continued to think, “Dear Lord, what will I do without him. “
It was through his love and devotion to me that kept me going through those years of his illness. We encouraged each other when our days were long and full of pain, he would tell me, “things will get better.”  Now, my encourager is gone and I cannot see things getting better for a long time. The pathway is long and  falling into darkness up ahead... What will I do without him
Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.  *For in my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
* And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am ye may be also…John 14:1-3.


 To be continued....

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